Shitty Twitter Subjects

Posted on July 29, 2010


What IS your poo telling you, and do you Follow it back?

What IS your poo telling you, and do you Follow it back?

Many and varied are the things people find to discuss via that 140-character padded room full of characters known as Twitter: from world events to haiku, from indie bands to mainstream media, from airline cuisine to breaking news, all these things and more, yea, all the subjects under the sun have been discussed, hashtagged, and retweeted.

And foremost among these is poo.

No, I’m not following Chuck Barry; I’m talking about mommybloggers who consider it their right to discuss their babies’ bowel movements in the public Twitter stream.

Which it is. Their right.

Just as it is our right to unfollow them for being:

  1. inexcusably impolite
  2. revolting.

Broad indeed are the boundaries of acceptable public discourse, but within them they do not contain phrases such as, “Jayden’s bm was like creamed corn today, but yesterday it was more like condensed pea soup #poo”

Allow me at this point to introduce the Law of Parent-Child IQ Equivalence, lest you go forth and shun these parents instead of pitying them like an informed person. The Law of Parent-Child IQ Equivalence states that when a baby is born the intelligence of the parents drops to that of the child, for otherwise the routine sleep deprivation and menial yet essential tasks of parenthood would drive the parents insane. It is this condition, and none other, that makes them prone to statements such as, “Taylore’s diaper was like a little sack full of Glossettes today! No more cheese for her! #poo” and the like; at the same time, if, say, @IggyPop were to tweet, “Taking a dump on a groupie’s head and making her like it #poo” they would consider it their god-given right to object, if only for “hashtag hijacking.”

You know how this will end, right?

Well, I say it’s all shit, and I say the hell with it.

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