What IS your poo telling you, and do you Follow it back?
Many and varied are the things people find to discuss via that 140-character padded room full of characters known as Twitter: from world events to haiku, from indie bands to mainstream media, from airline cuisine to breaking news, all these things and more, yea, all the subjects under the sun have been discussed, hashtagged, and retweeted.
And foremost among these is poo.
No, I’m not following Chuck Barry; I’m talking about mommybloggers who consider it their right to discuss their babies’ bowel movements in the public Twitter stream.
Which it is. Their right.
Just as it is our right to unfollow them for being:
- inexcusably impolite
- revolting.
Broad indeed are the boundaries of acceptable public discourse, but within them they do not contain phrases such as, “Jayden’s bm was like creamed corn today, but yesterday it was more like condensed pea soup #poo”
Allow me at this point to introduce the Law of Parent-Child IQ Equivalence, lest you go forth and shun these parents instead of pitying them like an informed person. The Law of Parent-Child IQ Equivalence states that when a baby is born the intelligence of the parents drops to that of the child, for otherwise the routine sleep deprivation and menial yet essential tasks of parenthood would drive the parents insane. It is this condition, and none other, that makes them prone to statements such as, “Taylore’s diaper was like a little sack full of Glossettes today! No more cheese for her! #poo” and the like; at the same time, if, say, @IggyPop were to tweet, “Taking a dump on a groupie’s head and making her like it #poo” they would consider it their god-given right to object, if only for “hashtag hijacking.”
You know how this will end, right?
Well, I say it’s all shit, and I say the hell with it.
raincoaster media 
kimli
July 29, 2010
I got into a fight on Twitter about this exact topic last week, when I dared mention that not everyone wants to hear about your precious crotch spawn’s fecal matter: http://blog.deliciousjuice.com/2010/07/13/on-shit/
Seriously, parents. It’s gross and NO ONE CARES.
raincoaster
July 29, 2010
Well, we care because it’s gross. I’m very tempted to reply to the next one I see, “Yeah, mine was kind of soft today, and you could see the peels from the tomatoes and a bit of cilantro.” I’m classy like that; nobody lowers the bar on me without getting it lowered to OH MY GOD levels on them.
I was TRYING to find your tweets to include them, but couldn’t scroll back far enough in Twitter.
archiearchive FCD
July 29, 2010
I know a load of crap when I see it – – –
John Davies
July 29, 2010
What about Pooh? Is it ok to tweet about Pooh? I was recently surprised and amused to find that you could purchase diapers with Pooh already on them. I would have thought that Disney would have learned a lesson after the spectacular failure of their cook book series for children ‘Cooking with Pooh’.
kimli
July 29, 2010
Beware the self-righteous asshats who are offended to hell and back because we don’t worship the things that come out of their children’s asses like we’re supposed to – the pop up in unwelcome places. Yes, I get it, you pushed a bowling ball out of your cunt and that somehow makes you special – my bad for not playing along. *eye roll*
raincoaster
July 29, 2010
Now that Poo is artisanal, I’d expect Cooking With Pooh to be a best-seller.
Lost Weekinght
July 29, 2010
FUN FACT:
Manure: In the 16th & 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship & it was also before commercial fertilizer’s invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less, but once water (@ sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks & the 1st time someone came below at night w/ a lantern–BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped w/ the term (Ship High In Transit) on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo & start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term: S.H.I.T (Ship High In Transit). You can’t make this shit up.
raincoaster
July 30, 2010
Wow. Just…WOW.
archiearchive FCD
July 30, 2010
I hate to bring a little evidence to the fecal matter but the good old OED has its own thing to say about the matter.
archiearchive FCD
July 30, 2010
Hmm – didn’t work – maybe this will –
Nic
July 30, 2010
some things are better left not globally published. Fecal matter is one of those ‘some things’.
Lost Weekinght
July 30, 2010
Didn’t everyone get that email?
It must be true.
SHIT is an acronym,
now what about POO?
If you can’t trust the internets and your hard-bound copy of “The Truth About Poop,” then who can you trust?
OED ShmO-ED! They think they know everything.
archiearchive FCD
July 30, 2010
@ Lost – does this mean I can’t trust what my teachers told me? The said that God is and Englishman and the OED is the book of His words.
Lost Weekinght
July 30, 2010
@archie-I like that teacher! I prefer to think OED pre-dates the Bible anyway, so yeah. I tend to agree God was just an aggregator of language whose main objective was that his creation write and speak correctly…if not heavenly. He gave us the tools, other than that, we’re on our own.
archiearchive FCD
July 30, 2010
@ Lost, It is so unfortunate that religions all lack a sense of humour. For the Lord of Language looked down upon man and saw that he mangleth the words and their origins. So, in his Divine Humourlessness He created Snopes and all the evils of the Urban Legend were abated.
Lost Weekinght
July 31, 2010
@archie, religions? Yes. The Lord? I’m not sure yet. Why else would (S)He have created THE word, but then not one universal language to understand it in, thus relying on mortal translators, without so much as a prep-school education, to mangleth it? I think (S)He started the world’s first whisper chain as a parlor game and (S)He’s still laughing trying to figure out how some asswipe got the Old Testament out of “Go Forth and Conjugate!”
(Thank you for Mangleth, btw)
Lost Weekinght
July 31, 2010
And thanks to Snopes, I did find out that it is TRUE that a scorned woman dumped a bucket of MANURE on the bride that ended up with her boyfriend…on their wedding day, in her gown, before the ceremony. I wish there were pictures. (I bet there are)
http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/manure.asp
Of particular interest to me as my sister is getting married in 3 weeks.
raincoaster
August 1, 2010
Well, are there any jilted exes in the background? Maybe do a quick “manure search” of the guests before letting them on the premises.
Lost Weekinght
August 3, 2010
189. Manure Search–√
raincoaster
August 4, 2010
Now THAT is a shitty job.
Stiletto
August 4, 2010
Shit.
Stiletto
August 4, 2010
Great. If there’s not a pedophile with scat fetish subculture, there is now.
raincoaster
August 5, 2010
You KNOW you can count on me to be on top of social media trends.
Also: I’m SO gonna post that to Twitter. THAT will shut those mommybloggers up!